Above all, trust in the slow work of God. We are, quite
naturally, impatient in everything to reach the end without delay. We should like to skip the intermediate stages; we are
impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new. And yet, it
is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stage of
instability...and that it may take a very long time.. Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming
within you will be. Give our Lord the benefit of believing that His hand is
leading you, and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and
incomplete…
I just read those words by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin from his book The Making of a Mind: Letters from a Soldier-Priest and thought they adequately summarize how I've been feeling lately. Last week's election has put us slightly behind our project timeline and with that arises feelings of instability and concern. Although the day of the election everything was calm, it is not expected that it will be when the election results are announced on October 24th. I am in Bamenda this week and the current plan is that we will record the audio program while I'm here and then I'll return to Kumbo on October 22nd before the election results are announced. I'm hoping that when I return we will begin testing the audio program and there will not be any riots that will prevent our participants from traveling to the listening sessions and we will get back on schedule.
Then I worry that even if we have a well recorded audio program our participants won't return for all of the listening sessions and we won't be able to follow up to find out if the audio program resulted in any behavior change. We have a plan in place, but its based on the assumption that the participants will return at the same time once a week for four weeks. A Western concept that I'm not completely sure will translate to the Cameroonian context.
I know that it will work out because it always does, but it seems harder to trust in the midst of this uncertainty. Maybe because there were months where we were on schedule and I felt like I was doing a good job of keeping everything on track. I'm being reminded of how hard it is for me to trust God when there is so little I can control. How easily I move from a place of strength to a place of doubt and instability. How easily I fear that all of this is too much. How I really can not do this on my own. How I'm not really as strong, trusting, or faithful as I thought I was. How I would like to skip this intermediate stage of waiting for the unknown, the something new to arise.
Then I worry that even if we have a well recorded audio program our participants won't return for all of the listening sessions and we won't be able to follow up to find out if the audio program resulted in any behavior change. We have a plan in place, but its based on the assumption that the participants will return at the same time once a week for four weeks. A Western concept that I'm not completely sure will translate to the Cameroonian context.
I know that it will work out because it always does, but it seems harder to trust in the midst of this uncertainty. Maybe because there were months where we were on schedule and I felt like I was doing a good job of keeping everything on track. I'm being reminded of how hard it is for me to trust God when there is so little I can control. How easily I move from a place of strength to a place of doubt and instability. How easily I fear that all of this is too much. How I really can not do this on my own. How I'm not really as strong, trusting, or faithful as I thought I was. How I would like to skip this intermediate stage of waiting for the unknown, the something new to arise.
 |
| View of Bamenda. Taken while waiting for the something new to arise. |
Hey Kate, I enjoyed reading this post and the quote at the beginning. It's easy to relate with the instability/anxious feeling - but being in another country and the potential for riots is unfamiliar territory (for me). Yet, just being there, showing you care, is amazing. I'm really proud of you. And it will work out, just take care of what you can for the moment and go from there.
ReplyDeleteHey Kate, totally understand. It is amazing how much is out of our control and to leave it all in God's hands. You cannot control the actions of others. It is hard to say it will all work out, but of course it will, just maybe not the way you want it to (or those who are giving you money to do the research). But, it will be what God wants it to be to teach each and every person involved something new that He wants them to learn. I struggle with that letting go also. I want to control it all. :)
ReplyDelete